Last night, I went out with Kristen and Jayme. We went to the mall, shopping for shoes and shorts for our costumes. Then we went to Applebee's for 1/2 price appetizers. Kristen and I have the same cover for our iPhones. Thankfully, my iPhone is white - otherwise we wouldn't be able to tell the difference. We talked about our plans for Halloween. Jayme is pretty set on trying to bring Brad along. She also doesn't want to get a hotel for the night because she things it'll be too expensive. Kristen and I talked though, and we don't mind covering most of it as long as Jayme contributes SOMETHING. So now Jayme's mom is looking into hotel prices. Great.

Jayme is still boy-crazy. I thought she'd gotten over it in the past couple years (and especially after high school and the first couple years of college) but I was wrong. She wants Brad to tag along on Halloween, and even tried to talk Kirsten into bringing Donny. I'm glad Kristen is totally against that, because then it would just be awkward. I'd definitely be the third fucking wheel. And I've been the third wheel for too long already. But sometimes I know that's my own choice and I don't regret it. Other times, when I'm not feeling as confident in myself as I should be, it wears on me and I let it get down under my skin.

Which I know I shouldn't do. I don't need a guy to make me feel good about myself! That totally makes me sound like a feminist.

Letting someone in, and opening myself up to that type of vulnerability - it's scary as fuck. I keep trying - and failing miserably.

No.

I do not agree with NO CATS ON 09-09-09. A cat free world? That's dumb. They bring the LOLz you know!


This is me saying no. I am posting pictures of cats. Because they are funny.


Haha! Mission accomplished!

<3 Maura

Okay, so I was gonna start off with the picture of ASkars in the Lettie Mae dress, but this picture is much better. Are you listening ALAN BALL? That is a smile from a gorgeous man. Please, stop with making Eric evil and understand the his character is SUPPOSED TO BE full of joie de vivre. You are not exactly portraying him that way... and I am upset by this. And if you EVER turn Eric into schmoopy Bill, well, I'd build a safe room and hide in it. Because there will be any entire army of Eric Fangirls after your blood.

Alexander Skarsgard has quite the intoxicating smile. I watch 'Generation Kill' over and over just because of it! The smile, the laugh, the way he delivers his lines. I also love how ASkars looks when his character goes deep into thought - it's like he pulls back from the reality, and you can just see it in his eyes. It's all in his eyes!!


I was going to open up with this amazing picture...


ASkars in a motherfucking dress! Not only do they apparently make dresses big enough for 6'4" Viking vampires, but the color really brings out his eyes. What really got me rolling was the bangles. I mean, that just got me for some reason.

And then, there that milli-second they let us believe that ANDY BELLFLUER WAS DEAD! Shame on you Alan Ball! That is blasphemy! (Haha, do you see that sign next to Andy's gun? Is that a person holding a gun to someone's head? WTF?)


And if you could add Pam into more scenes that the few and far in between we are graced with, it would be awesome. Pam just brings the funny, with the eye rolls and the bitching and just her attitude in general. I demand more Pam! I know that TV Pam isn't like Book Pam - but I'll take it. Her personality is basically the same (Pam likes Sookie in both the book and the TV show at least... in the book however, Pam is just as worried about Sookie half the time as Eric is, which is adorable. Also, Pam thinks Eric's feelings for Sookie are hilarious and just tells Sookie upfront to put Eric out of his misery!)

And Eric preening! I have never laughed so hard in my life! Look at that hair! Apparently flying can be murder on those golden locks. And have you seen that height difference between ASkars and Moyer? No wonder they can't get the two of them in the same shot without standing ten feet back. Wow. That boy (ahem, man - he IS 33 years old... sometimes I do tend to forget that little fact) is TALL.



Do you see Bill's head there in the lower right hand corner? He is just THAT SHORT. I guess we now know why it's always believed that the Vikings were giants... Eric could have started that rumor all on his own. Jeez, Bill needs that surgery Ethan Hawke got in Gattica to make him taller.


Because then he wouldn't have to worry about killing his eyes every time he has to look up, up, UP at Eric.


But can Alan Ball never write an episode again? He is making Bill this White Knight (which isn't true at all), and Eric into the Villan (which also isn't true at all). He turns Sookie into a moron, and Lafeyette into an even bigger idiot. He writes about plot lines we don't care about (no, Alan Ball, I don't care about Tara anymore - and I haven't since you introduced the whole Mary Anne storyline) and forgets about the stuff we do want to hear about (oh, what about Godric? He was Eric's everything basically. And Eric had a motherfucking breakdown on that roof in 'I Will Rise Up'... why is that all of a sudden forgotten? There is a hole in Eric - which you can sort of see, but not really - and it would be better if it was addressed!).

Supposedly Season 3 will be loosely based on Book 3 'Club Dead'. Does that mean we'll get to see Alcide? Does that mean Lorena is back to abducting Bill and getting him away from ruining Sookie? Does that mean we'll see more of Eric in a suit, and possibly in next to nothing (there is a scene in 'Club Dead' at Russel Edington's house that Eric is only in his silk boxers)? How can you do the whole 'Club Dead' thing without Bubba watching and pulling guard duty? Questions without answers.

Part of me feels that the season 2 finale is going to be a huge letdown. I wish that Alan Ball had let Eric have the knowledge he had in teh books about the maenad. Instead of having him running to Sophie-Anne like Bill did. It's stupid - and I think Alan Ball likes this little pissing match between Bill and Eric a bit too much. GET OVER IT. 

And because the last picture on my blog entry WILL NOT be of Bill...


<3 Maura

Sunday night's episode of 'True Blood' was interesting to say the least.

I am in the minority of people who thought that Evan Rachel Wood played Sophie-Anne well. I like the Queen of Louisiana calm, collected with a side of batshit crazy. Plus, they touched nicely on the whole sexuality issue (Sophie-Anne is a lesbian - in the TV Show she apparently hasn't enjoyed a man since the Eisenhower era). I imagined Hadley a bit more sophisticated for some reason, not country bumpkin like Sookie (maybe because she lived in New Orleans, was married/divorced with a kid?). ERW can definitely improve and fine tune her interpretation of the Queen (and she better step up her game because she's in scenes with ASkars in the finale).

And Sophie-Anne is totally right about one thing: Eric and Bill need to just fuck and get it over with. Because their pissing contest? Is old.

Even Pam is sick of listening to Eric talk about Sookie. (Her eyeroll when Eric asks Sam if he can give him Sookie as a tribute for his help had me in stiches. I wish there was more Pam in the show)

*gets out soap box* Are you listening Alan Ball? Either Sookie dumps Bill or Bill dumps her. If it happens in the last episode, fine. If I have to wait until the beginning of Season 3, fine. Either way she's ending up with Eric SOME TIME next season. Thank you. *climbs down and stows soap box under bed*

In other news, Lafeyette has been having sex dreams and PTSD freakouts because of the blood her drank from Eric (it probably also doesn't help that Eric has had Lafeyette's blood). But I would like to know, why are we not privy to those Lafeyette/Eric sex dreams? As much as I love the Sookie/Eric scenes (which are millions of times better than any dreams she had about Bill), why is HBO steering clear of any boy-on-boy action? I'm pretty sure Alexander Skarsgård has no problem with it, and I'm sure Nelsan Ellis won't either. Instead we are treated to Eric in Andy Bellfluer's clothes, and Eric in Lettie Mae's clothes (a dress! He pulled it off well!). But Lafeyette's latest PTSD freakout, Eric was warning him about how it will feel if Eric turns him. Will Lafeyette change his mind? It's probably not a great idea to let someone turn you when they tend to scare the motherfucking life out of you.

Which just goes to show that my theory is right. The blood doesn't create feelings. It enhances them and brings them to the surface. Although, until I know more, I can't really say about the sex dreams (but really, a 6'4" blonde Viking? Who wouldn't dream about that?). But when Lafeyette is in a stressful situation (involving a gun it seems) he ends up hallucinating Eric. Because he is motherfucking scared of Eric. It makes sense that he sees Eric as that person holding the gun.

Sookie's dreams are another issue. Her first dream about Eric (only a night or two after drinking his blood) was just amazing. It wasn't about sex (well, it kind of was, but it kind of wasn't). Almost the entire dream sequence was the two of them lying in bed talking. It was definetely reminiscent of Eric in Book 4 without his memories. After Sookie drank Bill's blood in the first season, her dreams were ONLY of losing her virginity to him (sex, sex, sex). There were like 3 dreams of it. But Sookie's first dream of Eric is post-coital, where they are just laying there being fucking adorable. It had DreamGlow! so you know it's not real... but it can't all be just Eric's blood. Part of it has to be because of the attraction between Eric and Sookie. Besides, if Eric was controlling the dreams completely (like book Sookie always insisted, which is why it took her from Book 4 until Book 9 to fuck him again) I don't think they'd be the whispering in bed, cuddling and being adorable moments. I don't think Eric would give two shits about Sookie's dreams after losing Godric.

Just sayin'.

Sookie's second dream of Eric is debatable. I believe, after watching it a dozen times, that it is half real, and half dream. After watching Godric meet the sun (and after Sookie saw that Eric can care about someone beside himself - he was completely willing to meet the sun with Godric. What does THAT tell you, huh Sookie?) she finds Eric in his room, bloody tears down his face and onto his chest (he was considerate enough to remove his black shirt as to not ruin it). And I believe that after Sookie says "I'm sorry" in reponse to Eric's empty-eyed "Godric is gone" that the dream begins. After the words are exchanged, I think she left the room. I don't think she kissed him on both cheeks (despite the fantastic acting from ASkars... those eyes said it all), and I was completely in awe of how when he popped fang, she reached up and touched his fangs.

Sure I sat there the entire time going, "This is a dream, right? There is no way this is real. OMG, what the fuck is this?" But doesn't it seem like it's a way to kind of step Sookie/Eric in the right direction? Regardless of the blood bond, she is accepting of who he is.

Haha. I am analyzing 'True Blood'.

And now I'm going to sleep.

<3 Maura

When you fuck something up and you know it's all your fault, then why does it still hurt so bad?

The one person who I knew, deep down, would never judge me or anything I did... and I let her down. So can I be mad that she has completely cut me out of her life?

No. But it makes me hate myself. A lot.

She never kept anything from me. And she probably believed that I told her everything. But then she found out something that I didn't ever tell her. And maybe it was just the fact that I would keep something from her when she trusted me - the reason she cut me out.

I fucked up. Why couldn't I just trust her like she trusted me? What is it about me that makes me keeps things from all the people that should mean something to me.

<3 Maura

It's 5 am. And I am up and awake.

Thankfully, it's only Saturday (am I smart for taking my day off on a Friday or what?).

So I'm sitting here watching True Blood Season 1 and wishing there was some way to have the episodes of Season 2 at my fingertips, because I love me some Eric Northman.


Although this picture really made me laugh. Does Eric and/or Pam use the Tabasco to make the humans taste better? Why the hell would Eric need Tabasco on his desk? Along with a bottle of... IS THAT SOUTHERN COMFORT? Is that how he gets his victims talking? Booze?

Is there some kind of drink I am aware of that involves Southern Comfort and Tabasco? Or is that a secret Pam and/or Eric interrogation method? Do they make them have some booze so they can taste it in their blood later when the victim is inevitably drank from (and then obviously killed)?
"Is there blood in my hair?"

I still crack up over the fact that Eric came down into the cellar and ended up killing Royce while wearing foils, a tank top (sigh... I think the TV gods are even aware of how appealing and appetizing ASkars looks in racer back tank tops), track pants and FLIP FLOPS. There is something so funny in all of that.

I really need to stop, because I will get carried away. With the pictures and the ASkars and the True Blood love.

<3 Maura

In theory, when you graduate from high school (when you are handed that pathetic piece of paper that states you are a moderately educated individual who may or may not be ready for the real world) all the drama is supposed to stay within those walls of high school. It's not supposed to follow you into the real world.

Don't get me wrong - when I say 'real world' I don't mean college. Everyone in college is just as immature as they were in high school. It takes a couple years before most of the jerks grow up and realize that not everyone in the world worships the ground they walk on. Hopefully by the time you're handed that second diploma you'll have learned how to act like a civilized person.

Take for example, the poem I wrote for my Creative Writing class senior year. It was about how even though I didn't act like every other girl on the soccer team (I didn't like going to the sleep-overs, I didn't like hanging out with the girls outside of practice and games) I should still be treated as part of them team. I wrote how my talent should mean more than my ability to play nice with others. I even went as far as to read the poem out loud in class one day (one of the girls in my class was also on the soccer team). Knowing that my soccer coach would read the poem (he helped with the class), my friends warned me against publishing it.

I didn't listen.

I don't think G.W. (the girl in my class who was also on the soccer team) knew what the hell I was talking about in the poem. Because no one ever said a word about it. And these girls were more than vocal about who they did/didn't like on the team. Either they were too scared because I was basically calling them out on their bullshit, or they too were completely oblivious to what my poem was saying.

So anyway, today just angered me. I couldn't concentrate all freaking day. To start it off, Tim was in a mood this morning. I was barely in the door before he was walking in and out of the office, complaining about this and that. It's a free world, and he's welcome to share his frustrations with me - but can he at least wait until I've had my coffee? Then, Shanta decided that she needed to act like every girl on my high school soccer team that I didn't hang out with. That kind of shit annoys me.

But it's not my place to say anything about either of them. And I shouldn't. So I won't.

<3 Maura

 Tommy's girlfriend is a moron. Her facebook page is a laughing stock of moronic half-assed words that don't even come close the resembling a sentance. And every day she updates her status about how she's hanging out with him. And this makes you ask youself, are they married yet??

My generation has perfected the ability to shorten any and every word we come across. While people like Tommy think of it as a skill, and use it in their every day life - I think it is the reason my generation is full of morons. It is the reason that more handwriting assignments in high school are in chicken scratch writing than ever before. 

What I really don't get is why girls feel the need to hang out with their boyfriends 24/7 when they are in high school. I'm not talking about girls my age now (by the time you're 23 yrs old you might be living on your own, with a good job - so having a live-in boyfriend isn't weird) but girls who are 18 or 19 years old. Some girls seem like they NEED a boy around, telling them how beautiful they are; how much they love each other. 

Girls with low self-esteem lose their virginity earlier than girls with high self-esteem. Boys with low self-esteem lose their virginity later than boys with high self-esteem. It's one of the many things from the Jessica Darling series that has stuck with me through the years. And sometimes, that rule doesn't apply at all.

I have no idea what I'm trying to say. 

Maybe I need to man-up and realize that there is a guy out there that wants to try and have a relationship with me. But for some fucked up reason, I keep pushing him away. And I have for a long time. But deep down, I do want to try. Because if I don't try, what the hell is the point?

<3 Maura

  ... the mice will play.

Shanta's flight left Avoca about two hours ago. She won't be back until Friday night. I don't have to see her until Monday. Is that bliss or what?

Last night was tiring. I picked Sheena up from the movies, and took her to the mall. We went to Old Navy at Shanta's suggestion. First thing you need to know, is that I hate shopping late. As in, I don't like being at a store at 8:45pm, knowing that the employees just want to go home. They don't need you wandering around, messing up their neat piles and generally just being annoying. I understand it's their job... but not that late at night. That's almost uncalled for. 

And Shanta is not a good customer. She leaves things EVERYWHERE. Like, she found me and Sheena in the dressing room, and then sent me off to find something else for Sheena. I was going to take all of my purchases with me (the stuff I was going to buy - capris, tank tops, etc) but she insisted that I leave it and she's watch it.

Uh huh.

Five minutes later, Shanta appears next to me and Sheena as we're looking for a dress (it was on a mannequin, where the hell is it in the store??) WITHOUT my stuff.

I mean, I'm not stupid. I saw and heard the sales people in the dressing room. I saw the looks they gave the big giant mess of clothes that Shanta left on the bench. I did not leave my stuff in a mess like that. And because I'm me, I apologized to the sales people, took my stuff and walked to the front of the store. 

The other thing that pisses me off is that Shanta thinks girls should act/dress a certain way. She's worse than my mother. Girls aren't supposed to wear sneakers, jeans, shorts, t-shirts, etc. They're supposed to dress pretty and wear make-up. Doesn't Shanta understand that the reason Sheena likes hanging out with me is because like her, I don't like any of that stuff??

My mind. Is boggled. 

It's a cultural thing, I get that. In India, marriages are more of a business arrangement, right? Well, Sheena goes to a school with kids from all over the world. She's going to learn about every culture out there. And she's at an impressionable age, so she's going to go through phases where she actually likes one culture over another. Right now, she's big on the Japanese culture. 

Dinner time.

My head is still pounding. And I think Edgar is a little frustrated at my lack of energy. I told him I needed to take a nap, and he didn't sound too happy. Can't say that I blame him. Hope he still tries to enjoy the movies.

<3 Maura

When I woke up this morning, I found an e-mail saying that I had a new message on Facebook from Mike B, an old high school classmate of mine. This is what the message said:

"yo you seem like an intelligent person. I'm trying to network out a philosophy, if it could be called that. Im into the mayan calendar, and you probably heard all the 2012 end of the world crap. Well its not like that at all. The Mayan Calendar is a map for the evolution of consciousness. consciousness is all around us and in us- it's everywhere. You see how screwed up the world is im guessing. there's a reason for it. The mind is a tool that no one knows how to put down. see more and more is happening everyday-the mind cannot handle all the info that is capable of being perceived. so the problem of our time is people's addiction to their mind. like i said its a tool-like a hammer. if you want nail 2 boards together then a hammer is a great tool. you pick up the hammer, do the job, then put it down. You wouldn't use a hammer to unscrew the lug nuts off your car would you. The mind is necessary for everyday functioning like work and interactions, but its basic operating principle is discrimination. This is black and that is white. I'm here and your there. It's a categorizition template. consciousness on the other hand is universal and that is where your intuition comes from. You hear athletes talk of being in "The Zone." They are completely and utterly in the moment, no thought, just intuition driving them to do incredible things. They don't think about their actions, they just act, from their intuition which is your own personal connection to universal consciousness. Thats why, collectively, we respect professional athletes so much and pay them so damn much money. basically, what im sayin is that its time to evolve ideas. It's time to learn to put down the tool of the mind and identify with consciousness itself. See thought needs consciousness, but consciousness does not need thought. So therefore consciousness is primary to thought. We are on the journey of going back to the source, regardless of what you believe. I'm inviting you to become a part of the evolution, come to my site, watch the videos, get involved, become aware, spread awareness. I hope to talk to you soon...!"

I don't even know where to begin with it. I'm not sure right now if he's mass sending this message out to everyone on his friends list, but it needs some work. I don't like the beginning, which immediately throws me off what he's saying. And I can't stand when people fail to check their grammar and punctuation and don't capitalize at the beginning of a sentence. We're twenty-three years old... learn to write properly!

Somewhere along the line, the Mayan Evolution of Consciousness was included with something called The Venus Project. Because I didn't believe anything Mike was saying (much of which is hard to actually understand, what with the horrible grammar and all) I googled The Venus Project and ended up on their website. But here is where it got confusing. Mike's message says that the mind's basic operating principle is discrimination. The Venus Project believes that people are born blank slates - we are not born with hatred, prejudice or patriotism. Even though his Political Belief states that he's all for the Venus Project, he contradicts one of their core ideas.

What Mayan Evolution of Consciousness is... is actually happening whether you realize it or not. Time is moving faster, and we are doing more in a shorter span of time. In the last fifty years, technology has rapidly evolved from computers that took up entire rooms to being able to fit into a purse to be carried around all day. We've discovered alterntive energy sources for cars and heating homes. This is how humanity has evolved to survive. That is what the Mayan Evolution of Consciousness is. You can embrace it without even trying or knowing that you already are.

To me, The Venus Project sounds like a fraud. To change the planet from its monetary system to a resource-based system would be impossible. The idea of a Utopia society where money wasn't important, where everyone had a job and there was no hatred or discrimination has existed for centuries (its ideas can be traced back to Ancient Greece). This idea gives the crazy idea that if all the money was removed from the world, we would still be okay. As long as we could still produce food and goods that were needed, everything would be okay.

No. People would immediately riot, sending everything into chaos. Right now there are too many people who don't have what they need, that the idea of everyone being equal would make them believe they are entitled to take what they need to make them equal to others. But where would it stop? How much would those people say they need before they felt it was enough?

What will happen in three years on December 21, 2012 when the Mayan Calender ends? We know for a fact that the world is not going to instantly come to an end. Maybe it is the date the Maya predicted we, as humans, need to reach our full spiritual potential by? The evolution of technology to its current state would point to that.

<3 Maura

Welcome to my blog!

Writing in a blog... why do I do it? There's really no easy way to answer that, because I've been doing it for so long (almost 5 years now) that it's like second nature. I started when I joined MySpace back in November 2004 when I was a freshmen at the New York Institute of Technology. MySpace was the shit back then, mainly because Facebook was members only (as in, only certain colleges could register) and NYiT wasn't on that list (and wouldn't be until February 2005).

Since then I've updated my MySpace blog pretty regularly. From my dropping out of NYiT to meeting two guys who helped shape me into a better person when I was at one of my worst moments to the ups and downs of numerous friendships to the various crushes I've developed over the years (one that still remains) all the way up until the present where I'm pretty sure I don't like who I'm becoming.

Confusing, right?

Hopefully, this blog (not my MySpace blog, which continues to be a jumble of my thoughts with no real organization to it) will allow me to look at myself and figure out what is going on inside my head. Why I act the way I act, and do the things I do. Why I can't seem to just realize that someone cares about me and I need to just forget everything else and just be. It's frustrating that my mind is constantly thinking, analyzing and moving that it never really settles down long enough for me to really truly decide on any one given thing. It's frustrating beyond belief.

I'm twenty-three years old.

Am I happy? I really don't think I can answer that question. There are still things I need to work out before that answer will anywhere near the truth. If you want me to lie, I'll say yes. Because let's face it, most people just want to hear that you're good, and that there's nothing wrong in your life. They don't want to hear about your problems. They could give a shit less about your problems. And if you talk about your problems when they ask about your life, you can guarantee they'll be complaining to someone else about it as soon as they walk away.


This is my quarterlife crisis, no doubt. For those of you who think they don't exist, you're delusional. They exist. I am the prime example of one.

<3 Maura